Loss and Hope

I went in for my 6 month exam and the doctor was having trouble finding the heartbeat. He looked more and more uncomfortable as he tried to find it. Finally, after 10 awful minutes he decided to give me an ultrasound to “find the hiding baby”.

Worse news.

Now we could visually see my tiny little baby just lying there totally lifeless. No heartbeat. No movement.

The doctor shook his head and told me it looked like she had died a couple weeks earlier.

He immediately started talking about sending me to a good place where doctors would know what to do and make the next step as quick and easy as possible.

His words began to run together in my mind. The only thing I could hear was my own heart beating all the way in my throat.

I all could think was, “This can’t be happening.”

We were referred to a local hospital for a D and E. Basically the same operation that would be performed for an abortion. Not only did I have the trauma of losing my baby girl, but now I have to deal with the thought of some sterile family planning-pro abort doctors taking away my daughter without a care in the world. No closure, just thoughts of what could have been.

We ran into a somewhat of a miracle as we came to the hospital and the security officers took us to the wrong floor. They took us to labor and delivery, where a group of nurses looked dumbfounded as I explained my situation. “We don’t do D and E’s here”, one nurse said. “There is obviously some kind of mix up”.

They told me they were so sorry for my loss and took me to a room to wait while everything got figured out.

About a half hour passed before they came back and explained my options. I could stay here and have full labor, or wait a few days and meet a special doctor at a different location to have the “procedure” done.

As much as I didn’t want the pain of labor, I also knew that I wanted to somehow honor my daughter and give her a respectful birth. I wanted desperately to hold her and see her face.

We decided then and there to start full labor and take the bad with the good.

Labor took a total of 6 and a half hours and was extremely painful.

Destiny Hope Fiorello was born 9oz and 9 inches. She was perfect. We got to hold her and kiss her and spend time with her. It was really beautiful and healing. She looked so much like her sister.

I know this seems so sad, and really, it is a very sad thing. But I experienced something so beautiful at that hospital. It was like this heavy blanket of grace just fell on me. I didn’t really feel much sorrow. I felt healing. I felt hope.

The Lord surrounded me with people that facilitated this healing, and His own supernatural presence to give me “peace that surpasses understanding”.

I am sad, yes. But…..I choose to hope. I was given a chance to see beauty in the midst of tragedy, and I want to honor her short life by living a life of hope.

She is experiencing the most amazing glory right now. She is in good hands….and I will see her again.

Let us make God in our image....

Hmmmmmm
I am disturbed. I am disturbed by all the craziness I see and hear from my generation.
When I was young, I was rebellious and dabbled in all kinds of sin, but I knew that I was sinning.
I knew that I was risking my eternal life and playing with fire. I would often pray that I wouldn't die before
getting my heart right with God.

But nowadays, things are changing. I see people in sin, and instead of acknowledging their sin, they
recreate God to "adjust" to their lifestyle. We are a people that "personalize" our God according to our
lifestyle. You like to party? No problem! You wanna have sex....its okay! God created you the way you are,
so why would He have a problem with these things?

I see people writing things like "I am a Christian, but I believe God is love, and not the hateful God of the Old Testament." Last time I checked...God still hates sin.

I was just reading in Zephaniah, and the Lord spoke through the prophet saying "At that time, I will search
Jerusalem with lamps, and punish those who are complacent......who think, "The Lord will do nothing, good or bad". Sounds like some people had a problem with misjudging Gods character....

Just because we say God is a certain way, doesn't mean He is going to honor your "idea" of Him on judgement day.

If the last story was to old testament for you...how about this one...
  ¹⁴ “To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:

   These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation. ¹⁵ I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! ¹⁶ So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

People....I am actually really saddened. This isn't a rant about people in sin....I struggle with sin, and I am sure that you struggle with sin..but the point is that Jesus died on the cross to cleanse of us of our sin....  so that we would TURN from sin and be restored to Jesus! We aren't suppose to justify our sin by creating some distorted version of God that is okay with us just the way we are! NOOOOOO NO NO NO NO! That is deception...and a lie! 


If we live in that place, we will NEVER enter into our destiny! And we will NEVER be transformed or be effective for the Kingdom....we just.....deceive ourselves.


Please, if you want to sin, then sin. But don't make yourself feel better by changing the character of God to suit your lifestyle. 


I love you, but its time to wake up.

3 Days In Darkness

Hello blog world! Its been awhile, I know. My sincerest apologies.

Let's see.....well, Ben and I have been (had been) fasting for the past 8 days or so with my church for the "New Year" corporate fast. We basically just cut out several foods we love (like pizza and coke and sugar). Nothing extremely special happened except that I didn't lose any weight because I ate so many nuts.....also....a piece of nut got caught in my gum and started to become infected. (tooooo much info...I know I know)
I think next time I will fast nuts. It's just better that way.
ANYWAY, the point is that part way through the fast I felt like I should do a media fast, so I packed away my laptop and stored it. Easy enough right?
About 4 hours into it I was ready to jump out the window.
Fasting food had NOTHING on a media fast. Have you ever tried it? Or I am just overly addicted to the worldwide web? I finished out the 3 days, but it almost killed me.
Why am I telling you this? I'm actually not sure....but a couple of interesting things did happen that are worth sharing.
I basically forced Ben to do this fast with me, against his own will. The first night he came home from work and we just stared at each other for a couple hours. Played with the baby....then I hid in my windowsill and he looked for me for like 15 minutes before I finally jumped out and scared the hec out of him. Then we just sorta cuddling on the couch for a couple minutes. I can't remember the last time we did that.
The next couple days were pretty uneventful....but we felt such a peace in our house. Of course I went online immediately at 12:01am on the 4th day.
Its funny, but I was really disappointed when I came back online. I felt like I was missing so much being offline, but when I came back on, it was like nothing that great had happened in the last 3 days.
I came to realize how addicted to media I am.......and how much of my time it actually consumes.

This post doesn't really make any sense...its more just my ramblings. But I figured I needed to say something....ANYTHING....and this was the most recent eventful event that has happened in my life.

selah

Lessons learned from junk food

I recently met face to face with a little criticism, no big deal, but I didn't handle it very well. I immediately defended myself and started to judge the criticizer. I would like to think that I am celebrated everywhere I go, and people all over the world love me, and I could do no wrong in peoples eyes...but that is just not true.

Then, the Lord started to speak to me in His ever so gentle way as I was reading the Bible. I have this bible in a year and my proverbs section for the day was Proverbs 29:1 "Whoever stubbornly refuses to accept criticism will suddenly be destroyed beyond recovery." Ugggggg. You think a little criticism sucked...how about being destroyed beyond recovery for refusing to accept that criticism?

After reading this scripture, I felt that God was trying to speak to me. I listened...sorta. In the back of my mind I made a mental check that I needed to work on that. Cool. Moving on. Then I went to the kitchen to get some food. What's more serious than a rebuke from a person? A rebuke from the Lord. Sometimes junk food helps to sooth a ailing soul in these types of situations. So I grab this bag of chips and notice they were a weird off-brand. I started to read the back, and read the funniest thing......here is what it said.....

Endurance-"the inward strength to withstand stress and to do my best." I read on...."Here are some simple things to remember to help you demonstrate endurance in every day life"....

I WILL...

1. Not be a quitter
2. Accept both instruction and correction
3. Not waste my time energy and talents on meaningless pursuits
4. Bend instead of break
5. Put my whole heart into everything I do

Wow. Really? Those word cut into my flesh like coconut cream pie. I will accept both instruction and correction.....I will bend instead of break. Who writes this on the back of a bag of potato chips?!?!. This was all to much to take it. OKAY GOD! I get it. Thank you. Point taken......

After reading the chip bag, I wanted to double check the verse I had just read, so I opened up my proverb of the day, and it was a different proverb. I realized that I had read the wrong daily reading. Not only that, but I was in the wrong month too. What? Really? Okay, okay. LOUD AND CLEAR GOD!

Long story short, I am going to work on accepting criticism a little better. My other option here is to be utterly destroyed......so yea.......

Here are some other verses I found;

1. Proverbs 13:18
   If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept correction, you will be honored.
   
2. Proverbs 15:31
   If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise.
   
3. Proverbs 25:12
   To one who listens, valid criticism is like a gold earring or other gold jewelry.
   
4. Proverbs 28:23
   In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery.
   
   

Well, it was an eventful day for me nonetheless. God spoke to me in a variety of ways, the funniest being a bag if potato chips. Its too bad the chips tasted terrible......


www.benandcrysty.com

Thanksgiving......or something like that

Today I had to stay at home because I was sick. Ben (my husband) took the baby in with him to work today. (Yes, its Thanksgiving, but I live in Canada....bleh...) I was sick and missing my family, and even my own child all day. Then I opened up my email to find an email from an old friend. "Finally!" I though....."Something's going right." Wrong. I opened the email to find that my friends account had been hacked by a spammer. Figures. All of this on Thanksgiving...really?

Then I was trying to remember what Thanksgiving was all about...hmmm..something about corn? A feast? As I was pondering the origins of Thanksgiving, I couldn't help but to remember all the holidays past with my family. 30 pound turkeys, homemade stuffing, green bean casserole, entire cans of black olives, pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes by the boat load......ahhhhh. Now that's what I'm talking about. All this reminiscing of food was making me hungry. I went to the kitchen....hmmm...mayonnaise...Jalapeno Doritos (It think they made me sick in the first place)...oatmeal. BLEH. Great. Just what I need. Out of food.

So here I sit on my couch..in pain...lonely...hungry...and finding nothing to be thankful about. That is when I really hit rock bottom. Out of sheer desperation I googled Top Google Searches for today. Here is what I found.

1. national dog show 2. miracle on 34th street 3. turkey temperature 4. how to carve a turkey 5. deep fried turkey

6. betty buckley 7. turkey gravy recipe from drippings 8. restaurants open on thanksgiving 9. million dollar quartet 10. american eagle

11. turkey temp 12. dwayne johnson 13. thanksgiving quotes inspirational 14. how to make gravy 15. mashed potatoes

16. cracker barrel 17. chris henry 18. cooking time for turkey per pound 19. thanksgiving prayer 20. whipped cream recipe

Firstly, let me say I was shocked to see National Dog Show number 1. Who watches dog shows? I guess every gullible 50-60 year old woman in the world who is at home today during the hours of 1-3pm. Or is it the new era of Paris Hilton-ites with purse sized dogs? I wasn't surprised at how many thanksgiving dinner recipes inquiries there were.... But what did surprise me was the search for Thanksgiving quotes...and lastly the search for Thanksgiving prayers! Really? Have we, as a American nation, come to this? We have to google our Thanksgiving prayers!! You don't KNOW what you are Thankful for? You have to ask the internet? Also...Thanksgiving quotes? Nothing says "I'm genuinely thankful" like searching for unoriginal Thanksgiving quotes.

Really??

I guess I can't judge. I mean, I am the one that couldn't find anything to be thankful for just moments before. Just count me in with the rest of the world who can't seem to get a grip on Thanksgiving. Wait..no. I know what I am thankful for. I am thankful for my my amazing husband who loves me, and my beautiful perfect baby who has brought me continual joy. I am thankful for all my extended family that love us. I am thankful for my Canadian family that has sown much into us. I am thankful for our awesome youth group.

Lastly, I am Thankful for a God that hasn't thrown me into a volcano due to my unthankfulness, but rather shows me mercy and grace, and is continually faithful even when I am not.

Happy Thanksgiving.

How He Loves Us-Piano Cover

How He Love Us

How He Loves Us.....

So you are probably familiar with these lyrics.....He loves us! Oh how He loves us! Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves!-John Mark McMillan. I love this song. I love the story of this song. Originally written by John Mark McMillan, it was later picked up by Kim Walker of Jesus Culture, and later still by David Crowder.  The second verse of the song originally went like this......

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way 

The lyrics were later changed to these....

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way

Isn't this so typical. The original artist was likening the love of God to a sloppy wet kiss, and yet it wasn't "seeker friendly" enough for the church at large. We had to go and change the lyrics to an unforeseen kiss. What is it about a sloppy wet kiss that is so offensive? When I think about an unforeseen kiss I imagine someone coming up to me and delicately kissing me on the cheek. Politely and properly. A sloppy wet kiss on the other hand, would shake you up. It would shock your system and demand a response. It is intimate.

There are two very different kisses being described here. If I were to try both of these kisses out on my husband, they would evoke very different responses.

What is it about intimacy with the Lord that makes us so squeamish? So much so that we have to change lyrics in order to comfortably sing a song. I think that the original writer had it correct. The love of God is intimate, messy, radical, shocking. Nothing less.

As for me...bring on the sloppy wet kiss.

Crysty
www.benandcrysty.com
www.youtubecom/InSearchOfHisGlory/